Lettuce is wasted space on a sandwich, unless it's a dark green one, and even then, I find it superfluous more often than not. Crunch comes from bacon, and maybe (if so taken by the mood) from a bit of onion.
Now yesterday: turkey bacon, big slice of Early Goliath that was almost beyond-ripe, Miracle Whip, and a slice of American cheese on wheat-white. Simple, classic and gone in 30 seconds.
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There is no logical response to the question, "Why won't you let me plant more tomatoes?" 
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